To Wivenhoe Town Cricket Club! …on Saturday afternoon. One week it’s the La-de-da lifestyle down at The Oval, and then the next it’s back to the parched barren patch that wouldn’t look out of place as a burnt-off straw field from a farmer.

Actually that’s a little unfair on the ground staff at Wivenhoe. The wickets have somehow managed to maintain their greenness. It’s just that the outfield resembles grated cheddar.

We rocked up fashionably late as ever. We weren’t alone. We’ve learned over recent months that the real action begins around 3 pm when the socialites start to arrive at Rectory Road.

Abberton with the opposition for the second eleven this afternoon. A quick squint at the scoreboard and we could see that the visitors were on 123 for three. A running debate throughout the afternoon was how many overs are played in this format.

Having taken up a position in the sun as a hard bastard, my guard was let drop less than ten minutes later as I retreated to the shade. Phew! What a scorcher! etc.

The wicket was on the other side of the ground. There was quite a large gap between our seats and the boundary rope closest to us. I still managed to have a front row seat for a stunning catch by one of the Wivenhoe fielders.

Some big hitting followed from Abberton. I couldn’t work out if this was a decent batting performance or equally a decent bowling performance, as Wivenhoe seemed to match them with wickets falling.

The opportunity of a lost ball over in the allotment end led to early drinks being taken. There was also a change of Umpires. Like I said it was bloody hot work out there.

We had a good chance at the drinks break to see who was playing for the second eleven. There were a couple of very, very young kids holding their own in the side. These could possibly have been twins.

It was disappointing to hear some of the other banter around on the boundary being all about football. It was even more disappointing that it was bloody West Ham.

The wickets started to fall at a rapid pace after the drinks break. One Abberton player in particular stormed back in anger to the pavilion.

Abberton reached Gawd knows what, with 44 overs on board. It might have been around 251. This still didn’t settle the question about how many overs were being played. They either just fell short of their 45 allotted overs, or were back in the hutch early if it was 50. I suspect the former.

I had a bar trip at the break. I was able to see the tempting teas on offer for the players. The spread looked amazing. It would probably be worth playing cricket for the afternoon teas alone.

A brief turnaround and out came Abberton to the field. It was excessive seeing some of their pace bowlers with the white war paint on.

The two Wivenhoe openers were slow and steady with their response. The aim appeared to be to keep the partnership and then accelerate the run as the overs continued.

Back at base I had set my telly to record the crappy MI London match in the horrid Hundred. I was almost half relieved when some kid sitting next to me scrolled his phone and shouted out the score. That will save a job of catching up with that crap later.

With around ten overs bowled by Abberton, sadly I had to make my excuses and head home for some work. Another decent afternoon watching some proper cricket.

To the Oval! …on Wednesday morning it was a bit of a weird one catching my old work commute train. It was the same old familiar faces going in for the long slog. No ta, thank you very much.

Surrey had a home Metro Bank cup match against their traditional rivals Kent. I say traditional rivals, no one really gives a stuff about that apart from Kent. For us it’s all about the action over on the other side of the river.

Having said that, there was plenty at stake to play for in this game. Surrey are, for once, making something of a half-decent attempt to impress in the development competition. We’re probably just a couple of wins away from qualifying for the quarters.

The school holidays, the decent South London weather, and the meaningful fixture led to a very decent crowd. The queues were 20 deep just ahead of the start of play at 11:00 AM.

Also just ahead of the start of play at 11:00 AM was some bloody rain. Blimey. Fancy that. It didn’t last for long but it did delay the start by 10 minutes or so.

I took up my position on the piss in the Peter May. I used the spare time as an opportunity to have a look around the old ground. It was stuffed full of the shitty Hundred branding. It almost felt as though Surrey were squatting at a stupid franchise club.

There was plenty of lush green grass out there, however. It was rather pleasing seeing such a vast expanse of greenness in a summer where everything has been reduced to yellow stubble.

We opened the batting with the Vicar and Patel dominating in the early exchanges. SHOY OUT to the young kid wearing a traditional Surrey top and not some Mumbai Indians shit.

I had to take a second look as some fella rocked up to sit close beside me. I thought it was Gus Atkinson. He was on the piss, natch. A closer inspection and it revealed a younger Gus look-alike.

Kent were finding it tough out there with a ball. They turned early to spin with Matt Parkinson also failing to break through.

This was the signal for Patel to go on the charge. He delivered some glorious boundary shots. Sign him up for the Hundred! Ha bloody ha.

He pushed his luck a little too far however and was caught on 73. Sibley then reached his half century but was caught behind.

Up stepped the skipper to the crease. Rory was clearly on one. He’s had a very disappointing Championship season to date. This is a real chance to prove that he is still a leader and still a leading batsman. Talk of his demise had been exaggerated.

Having said that he too found himself back in the hutch after playing a cheap shot for 33.

You know what happens now in a Crap Match Report: the BOOZE kicks in and everything falls apart. True to form…

The beer situation was a little troubling; having transported six bottles of cheapo Lidl lager from the bloody Estuary Wilds all the way back down to South London, I was determined to neck them.

Chin chin.

I took one sip and felt something a little raw and chewy in my mouth. Surely this can’t be a hop?

I delicately put my finger over my mouth to see what it was. It was bird shit. Oh dear. Those bloody Oval pigeons had somehow managed to carry out something of a bird shit bombing mission right inside my pint of cheapo Lidl lager.

I did try and keep track as to who was coming and going at the crease for Surrey. Last man standing was Dan Worrall. “He can bat,” I told my cricketing partner. It turns out Dan Worrall can’t bat - or not today anyway. Surrey were all out for 286.

The interval came and went. Some more randoms started to rock up to sit around us, adding to the sizeable 7,000 or so crowd.

It looked like I had the ghost of George Michael sitting right in front of me. He certainly had the hair, albeit greying. The very tight white sports shorts and socks were also present. I didn’t have the courage to look down for the badminton shuttlecock.

I got a little tired and emotional at this stage. I dozed off. A blast from Lobby, sitting behind me in the Peter May, soon woke me up. It’s these reassuring old Surrey voices that hold it all together for me. I’ve had to endure almost three decades of Lobby banging on. We’ll miss him when he’s gone.

Kent really struggled. Surrey completely strangulated them with all aspects of their bowling. It was fitting that there was a stunning catch on the boundary to seal the win.

And so our march in the Metro Bank carries on. We may just qualify for the quarters. We may just even go all the way.

The crappy ECB scheduling however means that there is a five-week gap between the semi-final and the final.

Blame the Hundred, in fact blame the Hundred for absolutely fucking everything.

To Wivenhoe Town Cricket Club! …on Saturday afternoon. It was another hot and steamy one - and that was just the inner workings of my mind, having had to carry out the walk of shame back to the co-op, complaining that I’d been overcharged.

No worries. The perfect cool down and come down was a walk over to the cricket club, where the second eleven team were taking on their stiff counterparts from Worlington.

We rocked up fashionably late with the away team on 70 for 2 in the 20th over.

I can never resist the opportunity to snap away and capture different angles of anything I see. This led to a bit of an embarrassing incident when the ump called me out for a bit of movement behind the bowler’s arm. Apologies fella.

As ever, the outfield was bone dry. It looked an absolute replica of what Surrey had to contend with playing a supposedly ‘home’ match at Guildford yesterday. Saturday was not an afternoon for diving around on the Wivenhoe boundary.

We took our place on a couple of deck chairs just to the right of the pavilion. I was in the sun, largeing it up, whilst my cricketing partner opted for the shade. I soon dozed off and missed the first wicket for Wivenhoe since arriving.

I was wide awake however for a fantastic catch by a Wivenhoe player standing at square. He managed to control the ball, but unfortunately took a knock on the head when coming crash down on the rock hard outfield. Easy, fella.

The big lad bowling medium pace for Wivenhoe with a funny run up then bowled the other big lad for Worlington.

The big lad with a funny run up had the most amazing hop, skip and a jump approach to his bowling. It was almost impossible to second guess what would follow.

What actually did follow was a very sheepish young fella strolling up to the crease for Worlington. The poor young kid was clean bowled first ball. Ta for coming, etc.

Another young kid then followed. Unfortunately he was caught behind, leaving the visitors in all sorts of trouble on 159 for 8 in the 35th over.

Another clean bowled action followed. The poor old Worlington No. 7 looked pretty much stranded as he was rapidly running out of partners at the wicket.

A little more dozing off followed and a few more wickets also tumbled. I was awake to see a fantastic catch after an initial fumble from a Wivenhoe player, leaving Worlington 169 all out.

Ah, but what about the return innings from Wivenhoe, I hear you ask?

I’m afraid the Crap Match Report will have to live up to its name. I had domestic duties back at base and had to bugger off.

A decent few hours or so.

To Wivenhoe Town Cricket Club! …shortly after lunch on Saturday afternoon. We had a couple of spare hours to take in some of the action as the first eleven welcomed a very strong Hadleigh team.

It looked bloody hard work out there on what was a rock-hard pitch. We arrived after 15 overs with Hadleigh batting on 61 for 2.

Wivenhoe were very chatty, which is always a good sign. No one likes to see their body language drop and all the banter dry out before you even had a chance to put up your reply.

The dryness of the outfield and wicket only highlighted the extent of the slope as you are bowling up towards the Allotment End. I’ve never really noticed this before.

Wivenhoe were once again fielding a very young first eleven team. This is promising for the future, although I’m not sure how one of the young fielders felt when he was positioned behind the rope and pretty much climbing a boundary tree.

Some speedy bowling followed from some more experienced heads down the slope. We took up our position on the boundary under a blanket as it was rather chilly.

The highlight of the afternoon for me was getting to throw back a ball which came rather close to disturbing our blanket cover. I misjudged my throw ever so slightly, with the ball bouncing pretty much in the face of one of the poor fielders. Sorry, fella.

Out in the middle and some more heroic fielding than mine took place by Wivenhoe as Hadleigh pressed on ahead of the drinks break.

After the 25-over mark Wivenhoe turned to spin, but it was still a very frustrating afternoon.

A half-century was soon knocked up by one of the Hadleigh batsmen. I had to make my excuses and leave with a combination of some afternoon work shifts and a Forest pre-season being streamed back at base.

I walked past the old rectory house on the way home. The parish barbecue was taking place. I thought momentarily about gatecrashing and making some inappropriate comments. Tuck in, etc.

A half-empty Trent Bridge for a major domestic quarter-final. The ECB really fucked up here.

It didn’t take a forward planning genius to work out even six months ago that Wednesday evening was a potential World Cup semi-final for England in the football. A 4:30 pm start for such a high-profile Blast match is crap.

Surrey travelled up to Trent Bridge for the latest instalment in what is becoming something of a recently developed rivalry. It is starting to heat up rather nicely.

Notts didn’t hang around as they opened the batting. Haynes was on a charge. He was helped by some comedy fielding overthrows, not once but twice, from the ‘rrey.

The consensus on the Notts YouTube channel seemed to be that 150 seemed par for this pitch. Runs were hard to come by but Notts were making a decent fist of it.

A breakthrough came for Surrey with CJ taking two wickets and setting himself up for a hat-trick. The second wicket in particular was pretty special, sending furniture all around.

Notts then got penalised for a run short. I wasn’t even aware that this was such a thing in cricket.

A particularly expensive final over from the not so death bowler TC didn’t exactly help Surrey.

A quick break and then up stepped J-Roy and Laurie Evans to try and get Surrey over the line. J-Roy in particular looked up for the challenge. He slogged Paterson White for 14 of his first over.

It was all going so well for Surrey with J-Roy reaching his half-century of only 32 balls. We were in control of the game and were leaning on our experience to get the job done.

It then got a little squeaky bum time as the run rate reduced. I was surprised to see Fernando bowl once again for Notts after looking like he had broken his finger in attempting a caught and bowled.

The boundaries dried up for Surrey. Hang on, we’re really up against it here. How the fuck did that happen?

A superb final over from Ollie Stone saw Notts over the line.

And so Surrey miss out yet again on the Blast. Hopefully this will finally put to bed all that mainstream media narrative of Surrey being the darlings of the T20. We were almost a quarter of a century ago but not a lot has happened since then.

Oh well. That will make for a stress-free Finals Day viewing on Saturday.

Some reflections on Surrey versus the Essex Slappers back down at the Oval on Sunday evening.

tl;dr that was shit.

With qualification already assured for the quarter finals of the Blast for Surrey, up for grabs this evening was a plum home tie in the last eight.

This is not to be sniffed at, not only in terms of the sporting advantage, but also what it means to the club when it comes to the BOOZE fest such an event brings to the bar.

Chin chin.

Essex meanwhile, also had plenty to play for - much more to play for. They needed a win to guarantee their progression. I think you know what’s coming, right?

The game itself also had some very odd scheduling. A 6:30 pm start on a Sunday evening in term time is just odd. There was absolutely no reason why it couldn’t have been brought forward, apart from the women’s game starting earlier in the afternoon.

‘cos that’s gonna bring in the punters to SE11, yeah?

True to form Surrey had labelled this Blast game the Sustainability match. I’m all for sustainability but I still see absolutely no reason why a bloody game of cricket in the Blast needs to be given such a tag.

Just to rub salt in your sustainable wounds, it wasn’t that sustainable for Surrey out in the middle. Evans, J-Roy and Philippe were all GAWN cheaply. It was left down to Dan Lawrence to try and salvage something against his old club.

In the end the inevitable Surrey collapse occurred. It’s always criminal not to bat out your 20 overs in a T20 competition.

The Oval crowd was very quiet. The highlight of the evening appeared to be the scrambling of towels in the home dressing room to block out the sun rays bouncing off the fancy new players’ balcony.

The changing rooms were refurbished last summer. They don’t seem that… sustainable.

The run chase set by Surrey was a stroll in the park for Essex. They won off a wide, which kinda summed up the whole evening.

An email lands from Wivenhoe Town FC. Yep it’s that time of year again: season ticket renewal.

If I was a Premier League season ticket holder, then opening an email with my new renewal price would be a task that would fill me with fear. Not so with Wivenhoe.

Oh look, prices have been frozen again for the third consecutive season. £80 for a full-on adult season ticket is a fantastic price in which to watch live football.

The quality of the product, as we must call it, that is on show at Broad Lane is not exactly Premier League standard; but just having a non-league team on your doorstep where you can watch football every other week is not to be sniffed at.

I’ve got plans for the season ahead. These are personal plans but hopefully they will stretch out wider into the community. Watching Wivenhoe last year was a pretty soul-destroying experience. The inevitable relegation was somehow reprieved. Something has to change.

I’ve long since thought that the Dragons may be in Wivenhoe, but they don’t feel part of Wivenhoe. This wasn’t always the case. Some kind of local sense of connection within the community has been lost. I want to take very, very small steps to try and rebuild this.

I’m going to go active online and do all the big-mouth shouting thing to try and get more people up at Broad Lane. I’m not talking the masses, perhaps just three or five extra people on the gate for the first home match.

If they enjoy it then perhaps they might bring along a friend for the next game. It’s here where hopefully we can start a snowball effect and try and get more locals through the gates once again.

I see so many football fans walking around the town wearing their Premier League and Championship tops. They can’t all be going off to London every other weekend or making the short journey to Ipswich. If you’re a football fan you just want to watch live football, right?

The optimism from last season was the small dedicated band of teenage ultras that appeared out of nowhere. They were bloody fantastic. They banged their drums from start to finish and made a right old bloody racket.

It’s this type of local enthusiasm I want to try and capture and hopefully make sure that the club doesn’t have another season like the one we have all just experienced.

Of course I could always freelance it and call in my old friend Wolfgang Moneypenny to help turn around a failing non-league club. The downside there, as Wolfgang knows only too well, is that one man’s personal crusade to create a footballing fiefdom somehow ends up as bloody gentrification.

I don’t think that’s going to happen at Wivenhoe Town to be honest.

To Wivenhoe Town Cricket Club! …on Sunday afternoon. This was the second time that the old ground had the pleasure of my company over the weekend.

The red carpet wasn’t quite rolled out for me. Instead I had to wait as a car was reversing around cow corner. That’s something you don’t often see happen at Lord’s.

Great Bentley had made the short journey to take on the Wivenhoe Sunday 11 this afternoon. It was a local derby with plenty at stake.

My fashionably late arrival meant that I rocked up with Wivenhoe on 133 for 2 in the 23rd over of a 40-over match.

Once again, Phew Wot a Scorcher, etc. It was a little too much for one of the umpires in the middle. He was applying the laws of the game out in the middle in his bare feet.

The first major action of the afternoon was a spectacular catch at mid-off by a Great Bentley player. The poor chap then had to leave the outfield to get some ice on his hand. He was replaced by a very young kid who came on as twelfth man.

I did take up a very ambitious position right in front of the pavilion with the Estuary Wilds sun up above. My balding head lasted less than five minutes before I had to head for the shade of a nearby tree.

Out in the middle it may have been a 40-over match, but some T20 theatrics were in place. A ramp shot was tried, a ramp shot was failed.

Great Bentley had a fantastic young female bowler. It was great to see her putting the male Wivenhoe batsmen through their paces.

A century soon came up for one of the Wivenhoe openers after a bit of a loose full toss. A late run push then followed as Wivenhoe attempted to make hay.

Mr Century then went a little bit too big and hit the ball sky-high. He was finally caught for a very impressive 106.

The run chase set by the home side for Great Bentley was 256. The away team came out after a short tea break and didn’t hang around. They tried their best to do some serious damage to the nearby allotments with the ball.

Sadly I had to disappear for some work commitments with the Great Bentley innings in full flow.

Another decent afternoon watching the Hoe.

To Wivenhoe Town Cricket Club! …on yet another heat wave of a Saturday afternoon. The First Team were at home welcoming the visitors from Bury St Edmunds.

For the neutral this seemed like an unfair contest. This was the Wivenhoe First Team up against the Bury Edmonds Second Team. Don’t be fooled by the semantics. Both teams were full of big hitters and this was a highly competitive contest played out on a dust bowl of a pitch.

I arrived fashionably late, natch, with Wivenhoe batting. They had raced to 266 for nought in the 27th over.

This was not an afternoon for falling around on a rock hard surface whilst out in the field. Instead the Bury captain had set up his field to try and take catches on the boundary. A couple were dropped in spectacular fashion.

Bury didn’t also hold back with their bowling rate. Wivenhoe managed to match this with a rapid run rate to keep the scoreboard ticking over.

This was a highly competitive game. Both teams had plenty of encouragement from their respective team mates and supporters back in the pavilion.

The Wivenhoe opener finally fell for a very tidy 99. Close but no cigar, fella, but well battered all the same.

It was also hard work watching. I managed to doze off in the afternoon heat. I was woken up when a ball cleared the ground.

A century soon followed for Wivenhoe’s second opener. Meanwhile down by the boundary fence and tops were left to hang out to dry on the makeshift washing line.

A massive six then followed for Wivenhoe that not only cleared the car park, but also pretty much the driveway leading on to the main road.

After their 50 overs Wivenhoe had racked up a highly impressive 297, which was a competitive score for Bury to try and chase down.

The restart after the tea interval was slightly delayed. Both umpires were having a crafty fag on the boundary.

Wivenhoe took an early wicket with a Bury opener falling for one. Thanks for coming, etc.

I think I succumbed to some mild heatstroke. I have a lack of details to follow. I did see a classy catch from the Wivenhoe keeper as he lunged forward to take yet another Bury wicket.

Allotment watering duties on the other side of the field beckoning for me. I had to depart early.

A quick online shifty back at base later in the evening revealed that Wivenhoe had won by only 11 runs. This is village cricket at its best.

And so on to Friday night in Canterbury and the oldest rivalry in world cricket. That’s a load of hairy old bollocks. Who really gives a stuff about Surrey vs Kent as being rivals? It’s all about the action with that other lot on the other side of the river, rather than the Country Bumpkins.

And so on to the penultimate game in the group stages of the Blast this year. There was plenty to play for. A win for Surrey would give us a plum home quarter final tie.

Surrey in the Blast can be hit and miss, home or away. The main concern here was the balance sheet and what wonders it would do for the club to have 15,000 or so pissheads in the old ground for another tie.

Meanwhile, this was a must-win game for Kent. All of a sudden that old rivalry bollocks looked a little bit more interesting as we had the chance to eliminate them from the Blast this season.

For some strange reason I decided to say sober. I found myself having logged very little detail in which to bash out a Crap Match Report. Maybe I should return to the booze more often when it comes to watching cricket.

Friday evening in Canterbury certainly looked like a booze evening. The atmosphere had something of an out-ground feel. I had never been to Canterbury. One of the main areas is simply a banking of grass. This seemed to be where all the Friday night booze action was taking place.

I really can’t be arsed to log all the finer details of the game. I did note down that E. Singh of Kent came out to bat looking like he had an absolutely massive arse - or perhaps it was just the padding on his backside?

Anyway, Singh went for a song, treading on his own wicket. Oh dear. I did note down at this stage that Kent were 75 for 5 on what the local YouTube commentators were calling a batting wicket.

That soon became 82 for 7. Kent were in all sorts of bother. Harry Finch was the last hope for the home side. He was comically run out.

Surely not even Surrey can fuck up a run chase of 102? This was a piss poor score in which to be set. There was no need to take risks.

J-Roy stepped up to the crease, playing a cautious game for the first few overs. He then thought, sod this, and TWATTED the ball around the ground to get Surrey comfortably over the line.

And so we’re all set for a home quarter final in the Blast, probably on Wednesday evening. It may clash when England possibly have a World Cup semi final taking place. This could mean an afternoon T20 game. The Oval may yet still be empty for that.