Chelmsford looked lively on Wednesday evening shortly ahead of Surrey’s visit to the County Ground for the T20 Blast match against the Essex Slappers. Chelmsford always looks lively but especially so after England had just beaten Dr Congo in the World Cup.

The crappy, crappy ground soon started to fill once the full-time whistle had been blown in the football. There’s nothing like watching a T20 game with some slightly lubricated Essex folk on a midsummer’s evening.

The wicket looked an absolute beaut. This was all set to be a batting evening. Elsewhere around the outfield and it looked like something of a cabbage patch. The County Ground really is a shithole. Sorry but I come from very high standards.

We’ve still got to play this slot twice in the competition this year. With the table already being bunched, this was always going to be a key match to see who progresses in the Blast.

It was an incredibly strong start from J-Roy. He’s having something of an Indian summer in the Blast for Surrey. He formed a great partnership with Laurie Evans. They are the oldest cricket swingers in town.

Evans finally went for a fine 40 after he skied high a ball which was caught behind by Pepper.

J-Roy got lucky and was dropped on 64. He was caught behind next ball by Pepper. As ever he didn’t look too pleased as he grunted his way back to what is apparently a cricket pavilion.

The prediction that this would be a belter of a pitch for batting on played out with an incredibly fine 50 from Surrey captain Ollie Pope off 22 balls. Lead from the front, Ollie.

Surrey new boy Philippe continued with the run fest. He’s now had consecutive half centuries in his first two matches for Surrey. Not a bad start to your career.

Snater finally bowled out Pope for 59. Up stepped TC, only to head back into the hutch after a first-ball duck. Ta for coming, etc.

Surrey finished their 20 overs on 240, the highest ever T20 innings against the Essex Slappers.

The returning Reece Topley opened the bowling for Surrey. His first two balls went for wides. Welcome back to the County Ground, fella.

Elsewhere Jordan Clarke looked energetic as ever. This was despite having had a severe haircut which didn’t seem to have a Samson effect on him.

A little bit of chaos from Tall Paul for Essex threatened the run chase for the first 10 overs. Essex then lost their momentum. I lost the rest of the Crap Match Report as the booze took over.

Chin chin.

To Wivenhoe Town Cricket Club! For the second consecutive day! If it’s a Sunday then it must mean, erm, it’s the Sunday 11 playing, right?

There was a very relaxed feel as I rocked up. Wivenhoe were out in the field, trying their best to skittle out a rather mixed-ability Frinton. The scores on the doors showed that Frinton were 131 for 5 in the 27th over when I took up my boundary position.

Frinton had some big hitters out there but even their boundary clearances played second fiddle to the local chit-chat gossip when the news of Ben Stokes' resignation dropped. Blimey.

A drink/fag break was then soon called. It was here where you got to see the real breakdown of who was out playing for the Wivenhoe Sunday 11.

It’s a mixture of youth and experience. The youth headed for the jugs of orange juice while some more mature players had a cheeky fag on the boundary.

Play then continued. There was a brutal bounce on the pitch. It made fielding conditions very tricky.

Looking around and waiting to come into bat were various Frinton players. It was good to see their fancy dress club caps being worn. They wouldn’t have looked out of place in Blackadder Three.

An easy catch led to a right Horlicks from some poor young Wivenhoe lad. Time stood still as he froze in motion with his dropping position as all those around them had their hands on their heads.

Play was suspended temporarily after the fall of another Frinton wicket. The incoming batsman still had half a fag on and he wanted to finish it off by the bike racks.

The Frinton tail then fell fast. They were 209 all out after 37 overs.

A brief break for the Wivenhoe finest Sunday afternoon tea, and then out came the home team openers. A wicket fell in the first over. Oh dear.

The number two and number three now at the crease were in a hurry, with boundaries and some rapid running between their wickets.

I had to leave with Wivenhoe on 45 for one in the seventh over. Work duties were calling.

To Wivenhoe Town Cricket Club!… Shortly after lunch on Saturday. The Second 11 (I think?) were playing Gawd knows who. Wivenhoe were out fielding in the middle under very challenging weather conditions.

There was absolutely no shade in the middle. Fancy that. My first task upon arrival was to find a large parasol and picnic bench in which to park my sweaty backside.

We managed to find a spot that had a slight breeze running over the wicket and towards the clubhouse where we were sitting.

The game itself was in an interesting situation. The scoreboard wasn’t working. It was like watching a game of cricket with pin the tail on the donkey as the rules. A couple of minutes later and the scoreboard flickered into action.

“Come on the Blobber!” rang out around the ground. Blobber blobbed along doing his thing, bowling from the pavilion end for Wivenhoe.

A boundary conversation took place between one of the Wivenhoe fielders and a bloke sitting in his van with the air conditioning on. Meanwhile a batter for Gawd Knows Who was sitting next to us, sparking up his fag.

Wickets were hard to come by. I think this was a combination of the challenging conditions and what like a batting-friendly wicket. It all got a little too much for the umpire in the middle. He took off his sliders and umpired the game wearing his bare feet. The dirty dog.

Finally a breakthrough came for Wivenhoe: one of the openers fell, stranded on 90. Good effort all the same.

The game livened up slightly. One of the Wivenhoe bowlers took a spectacular fielding dive right in front of the pavilion on what is essentially a concrete patch masquerading as grass. His fresh whites were all of a sudden rather dirty.

There was a bit of an “oh shit!” moment when a very young toddler ran on to the pitch. A slight downpour broke out but play carried on.

The conversation around us turned towards one of the very young batsmen waiting to go in for Gawd Knows Who. He showed his more mature teammates a photo on his phone of a rather fetching very young lady. The story goes that he took her out to his Prom on Thursday. By Friday he was dumped. Oh dear.

Soon the young fella was out in the middle. He was making a right old crack of it and getting a scoreboard turning over. A particularly impressive six was met with a shout from one of his teammates back on the boundary of “Her loss, fella!”

The tea break came, more rain followed; with allotment and work commitments a little later on in the day we cut our losses after watching a very enjoyable first innings of cricket.

The hit and giggle returns after a rather weird Championship scheduling break. It’s no wonder cricketers don’t know if they are Arthur or Martha when one week they are playing red ball cricket, and the next they have to switch to white ball.

It’s not so much of an issue for Surrey as they strutted along down to the south coast to take on the Sussex Sharks. Our Blast team is pretty much a who’s who of franchise cricket. It’s just a shame that that who’s who is more like a 2016 edition than 2026.

Yes, we’ve had our woes in the Championship this season. We’re actually in serious risk of being dragged into a relegation battle.

There was hope that the Blast might offer a pleasant distraction. We always do well in this competition, right? Not really. That’s just the narrative mainstream media likes to put over. We’ve only won the bloody thing once - and that was during the first season.

The pitch down at Hove looked an absolute belter. Sussex were relentless in their opening few overs. Young Sam Curran, who isn’t that young anymore, was incredibly expensive being hit all around the park.

His brother Tom fared little better.

You have to add in the disclaimer here with any game of cricket that you can’t judge a pitch until both sides have batted. But the way Sussex went about demolishing the Surrey attack was very ominous as balls were knocked towards the umbrellas of the corporate hospitality.

Dan Lawrence made the breakthrough for Surrey, finally taking the wicket of Ward. Spin it to win it, etc. Who knew?

Tom Lawes took out Hughes very cheaply for a well-deserved 45. It had looked as though both Sussex openers were on for a century. Shout out Chris Jordan, who took an easy catch back on his old ground.

Lawrence struck again, taking the wicket of Coles. From 94 without loss Sussex were down to 104 for 3. Game on?

Lawes took the wicket of Carter, sending furniture all over the Hove ground. Carter walked for two, thanks for coming, etc.

It was at this time in the evening that I really should have switched over and watched the Test Match highlights, but England are such a fuck-up right now. I’m always a club over country man, be it cricket, football, erm, basketball.

Meanwhile Mark Church singing The Thompson Twins' Hold Me Now wasn’t something I was expecting on the Sussex feed as part of my evening of entertainment.

It was also that time of the evening when the BOOZE kicked in. A Crap Match Report with zero tactical analysis reverted to form. All I can observe is that the Surrey franchise superstars weren’t exactly involved as some of the Sussex wickets started to tumble.

Somehow Sussex found themselves at 77 for nine after the eighth over. This was something of a remarkable turnaround for Surrey. It was a belter of a surface and the non-Surrey stars making the most of it.

Attention drifted, booze continued, the heat back at home in front of the hit and miss Sussex YT stream distracted me slightly. Meanwhile, Surrey made light work of polishing off what in the end was a lame run chase.

This was mainly thanks to new Aussie overseas signing, Josh Philippe, with a fantastic fifty on debut. He was handed his prestigious Surrey cap, even before he had faced his first ball. I don’t think I was alone in thinking this was something of a nervy moment. But he delivered, and in some style as well.

And so Surrey’s stop/start Blast campaign continues. An appearance in Finals Day should be the bare minimum expected from now on.

Continually chop, changing from Championship to the Blast makes that route not so simple. Factor in the ECB fucking over Surrey with ODI scheduling, and it could be another close but no cigar sort of season.

Ever the optimist.

It was a toss-up between a gentle row in the kayak or an afternoon of cricket on Sunday. I was pretty knackered after all my exertions the day before. At the end of the day, cricket always wins.

Wivenhoe Sunday 11 were playing a 40-over game against Gawd knows who. I arrived fashionably late, with Wivenhoe having already put 30 overs on the scoreboard.

My first obstacle involved locking up my bike. A bit of a lock situation developed. The lock I use for the electric is pretty robust. It’s also started to develop a tendency to jam. That’s not a good sign. There could be worse places than Wivenhoe Cricket Club to have to leave a locked-up bike.

It looked bloody hard work out in the middle for the Gawd Knows Who batsmen and the Wivenhoe pace bowlers. I found a king-sized bench close to the boundary to lounge upon. I did ponder going on the piss but thought it best to play safe. You never know what’s going to happen with that bike lock situation later in the afternoon.

It was good to find some silence and solitude for once in the day. I was within throwing distance of a cricket ball of the allotment. I think I had the better deal in lounging around watching the cricket rather than digging for victory.

The two umpires were doing a fine job. I did admire the satirical look of one of them, wearing a green t-shirt and a pair of baggy red shorts. It wasn’t quite the Dicky Bird cricketing etiquette look.

The poor Wivenhoe wicket keeper then had to undergo that strange bollocky dance after being hit in the unmentionables. Shit. I think I’ve just mentioned them.

A couple of looseners from the poor ginger kid went for consecutive sixes, one of them landing right in my cabbage patch over in the allotment.

I confess to dozing off for a few overs. When I awoke, Gawd Knows Who had racked up 229 after 40 overs on the scoreboard. This seemed like a tough chase. I cut my losses and cycled back to base.

To the Oval!… on Sunday morning for the first day of Surrey’s championship match against Hampshire. I say to the Oval with some caveats. It was a rail replacement service. What could possibly go wrong?

It didn’t seem that bad on paper. The railway replacement was only from Wivenhoe to Sunny Colch, and then we could pick up the usual Liverpool Street train.

We rocked up at the rendezvous for the railway replacement, only to find a growing crowd of restless locals waiting for an AWOL bus. Oh dear.

The bus finally arrived. It was an interesting short journey. It was punctuated by a young lady in front of us with her head in a paper bag, constantly throwing up.

This seemed to trigger off another fellow traveller who was also feeling a little under the weather. Soon the bus had the cacophony of chundering passengers: one to the left of us and one to the right. It was almost a competition for seeing who could out chunder each other.

The air conditioning then kicked in, sucking up and distributing the smell of fresh sick down the entire aisle of the bus. It was meritocratic, if nothing else.

Don’t you just love rail replacement journeys?

But anyway. The cricket. This was an interesting one. Surrey have been shouting their heads off ever since the winter around the arrival of a new overseas spinner in time for this match. Much like the rail replacement service, the key component here was AWOL.

It turns out that Surrey are piss poor in getting a visa in place. We desperately need to spin it to win it, but that’s not great when your overseas signing still isn’t in the country.

The scheduling for the first day was also a weird one. This was the only round of championship matches starting on Sunday. It seems that Surrey have had their game pushed forward by the ECB in order to allow a little extra time for the Oval wicket to recover ahead of the Oval Test match next week.

This should be no big deal, but the weather forecast looks like it will penalise Surrey. Even before the first ball was bowled, this game had draw written all over it.

Ambassador Cruise Line were out in force with their usual spin the wheel to win a hat. No option of winning a cruise, not that I would want one anyway. Being stuck on a boat with 5,000 other people for a fortnight is my idea of hell. Shall we finally watch some cricket?

I blagged myself into the pavilion. I had one mission: to snaffle up a Surrey Year Book. Mission achieved. That will be straight on ebay in the morning.

We chose a strategic positioning of the OCS stand right in front of Archbishop Tennyson. This is not our usual seating of choice. Being on the piss in the Peter May seemed to be something of a wind tunnel.

As we entered the OCS we were hit by the full-on Sunday best splendour of a local gospel church congregation entering underneath the stand. Praise be to the ‘rrey.

Surrey won the toss and put Hampshire into bat. Steady progress was made with the Skipper and the Vicar of Sibley. And then up stepped South African bowler Potgieter, who smashed Rory’s furniture all over the ground. Oh Rory.

Will Jacks was the surprise choice to come in at number three. The plan for Surrey seemed to be to pile up the runs and get some batting points ahead of the expected poor weather over the coming days.

Luncheon was taken early - by me not the players. I felt incredibly peckish and didn’t hold back in demolishing a reduced-price cheese and baked bean pasty. I also had the urge to start BOOZING before midday but managed to resist.

Jacks fell incredibly cheaply for 10. He was caught at square with a half-arsed shot. That kind of stroke doesn’t get you back in the Test match squad.

Luncheon came. We disappeared to the back of the Harleyford Road for a game of table tennis. It was all going well until a ball got ricocheted over into a nearby estate.

Over the river at HQ and the Test match had finished early. This led to a mass exodus across the river as the Egg and Bacon Brigade descended upon the peasants at the Oval to catch an afternoon of proper cricket. Oh how the other half live.

The big wicket of Sibley fell shortly after lunch. The fellow was caught plumb and had to head back to the hutch after an impressive 39.

The sun threatened to break through for the afternoon session. Certainly not threatening but actually delivering was Dan Lawrence at the crease of Surrey.

His 100 came after 99 balls in what was a glorious knock. It was apt timing that he was rewarded with his Surrey cap just ahead of the evening session.

A superb double century then followed for Lawrence, the first double hundred of his first-class career. The Oval rose to its feet in recognition of an amazing feat. I opened up a bottle of a Lidl cheapo beer.

Curran went cheaply, only to be replaced by… Curran. Keep it in the family, etc. It’s a shame that the two brothers couldn’t get to bat together in what would have been a rare championship appearance with both at the crease.

It then got rather cold. The flood lights came on. Surrey lost 5 wickets for 28, including Dan Lawrence for a fine 218, a career record.

We made the strategic move back into the pavilion for the final five overs or so. It was so bloody freezing out there. The Umps took them off for bad light. We cut our losses and headed back to LS.

The final leg of the journey once again involved the dreaded replacement rail service between Sunny Colch and Weird Wiv. I was five pints down. Steady the buffers.

The driver had helpfully placed plastic bags next to each seat. Although I was personally not guilty, I suspect the positioning was a direct response after the lively earlier morning trip.

An eventful day.

Sunshine down at the Oval for Friday evening. Make hay, etc.

The arrival of Hampshire in SE11 looked like being a lively contest for Surrey as they continued with their stop/start campaign in the T20 Blast this summer.

Surrey had themed the game as an LGBQT+ occasion. GOOD. We need to fight back against the pricks. Cricket shouldn’t be part of the culture wars. In fact, nothing should be part of the culture wars. We should be proud of who we are. Shout out to the official Surrey drag queen looking resplendent whilst on the piss in the Peter May.

The Surrey YouTube channel was superb as ever. The commentary may be a little hit and miss, but the production and TV angles are on par with anything Sky can deliver.

I was a little pissed off, however, to see them plugging a June Test match at the Oval. This is just completely wrong. The Oval Test should always be played around the second week in September. It puts your whole season out of sync. It’s like holding the FA Cup final in November and the Charity Shield in April. Cricket is bonkers.

t was good to see CJ back bowling for Surrey. This is his 20th year as a pro. The Dulwich DUDE may have lost a little pace in recent years, but he still has plenty of energy left in the tank.

Hampshire had a strong attack as they took to the crease. The onslaught was relentless. A fantastic final over from Fuller gave Surrey a tough ask of 215.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Oh dear, J-Roy.

Up stepped Ollie Pope for some showboating. He never really got going after one wild swing.

We needed a skipper’s knock from young Sam as he stepped up to the crease. No, that’s not gonna happen, is it?

It looked like Will Jacks would be on his Jack Jones as being the final hope for Surrey to try and get this over the line. We were helped out with a nightmare over from Lumsden, who went for 24. Thanks for coming, etc.

Desperate Dan Lawrence was our last stand. He’s not the most elegant batsman to watch, but he knows how to put on scoreboard pressure.

The final over was a little frantic. Surrey just fell short with the final ball in what was a great game of cricket.

This all leaves us in serious danger of not progressing to the next stage of The Blast. Oh well, there’s always the Metro Bank to look forward to.

Yeah, right.

Sunshine down at the Oval for Friday evening. Make hay, etc.

The arrival of Hampshire in SE11 looked like being a lively contest for Surrey as they continued with their stop / start campaign in the T20 Blast this summer.

Surrey had themed the game as an LGBQT+ occasion. GOOD. We need to fight back against the pricks. Cricket shouldn’t be part of the culture wars. In fact, nothing should be part of the culture wars. We should be proud of who we are. Shout out to the official Surrey drag queen looking resplendent whilst on the piss in the Peter May.

The Surrey YouTube channel was superb as ever. The commentary may be a little hit and miss, but the production and TV angles are on par with anything Sky can deliver.

I was a little pissed off, however, to see them plugging a June Test match at the Oval. This is just completely wrong. The Oval Test should always be played around the second week in September. It puts your whole season out of sync. It’s like holding the FA Cup final in November and the Charity Shield in April. Cricket is bonkers.

t was good to see CJ back bowling for Surrey. This is his 20th year as a pro. The Dulwich DUDE may have lost a little pace in recent years, but he still has plenty of energy left in the tank.

Hampshire had a strong attack as they took to the crease. The onslaught was relentless. A fantastic final over from Fuller gave Surrey a tough ask of 215.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Oh dear, J-Roy.

Up stepped Ollie Pope for some showboating. He never really got going after one wild swing.

We needed a skipper’s knock from young Sam as he stepped up to the crease. No, that’s not gonna happen, is it?

It looked like Will Jacks would be on his Jack Jones as being the final hope for Surrey to try and get this over the line. We were helped out with a nightmare over from Lumsden, who went for 24. Thanks for coming, etc.

Desperate Dan Lawrence was our last stand. He’s not the most elegant batsman to watch, but he knows how to put on scoreboard pressure.

The final over was a little frantic. Surrey just fell short with the final ball in what was a great game of cricket.

This all leaves us in serious danger of not progressing to the next stage of The Blast. Oh well, there’s always the Metro Bank to look forward to.

Yeah, right.

And so Middlesex rocked up at the Oval for the London Derby in the Blast. Surrey are serial underachievers in this competition. There is some misconception in legacy media about how we are the short-format kings. That’s absolute bollocks. We’ve won it once and that was over a quarter of a Century ago.

Hey hoe. Derby days down at the Oval are always fun. It’s a shame that our friends over the river couldn’t return the favour with their poxy 7,000 crowd back at HQ when Surrey were the visitors at Lord’s. That Sunday midday scheduling was just bonkers and should never be allowed to happen again.

The talk ahead of the game on Wednesday evening was that the Oval was a sellout. It didn’t quite get there looking at the telly pictures but it came close. The demographic was the usual Bright Young Things, fresh from their day jobs in the city.

This was a key match for Surrey. A record going into the game of played 2, lost 2 shows that our progress in the Blast was in the balance.

The traditional pattern for Surrey in this competition is to rampage in the group stages and then fall apart when we get down to the business end of the competition. It seems that we have accelerated this pattern this season, with a super quick start and then a super quick tail off already.

Surrey did seem fired up, taking to the field when play started. There was in particular some tight bowling from Will Jacks. Middlesex were poor with the bat. TC has seen better death bowling overs as he delivered three wides and gifted Surrey a paltry more three runs to their final total.

The young Middlesex side came out looking a little sheepish in the field. The game never really got going as a spectacle or even a contest.

Shout out to J-Roy who fell for short on his 50. Olly Pope got us over the line with a timely half century. Surrey won the game with 35 balls to spare, which is something of a comment on the lack of parity between these two once great teams.

A most unsatisfactory performance from Surrey in the T20 Blast this afternoon against Kent down at the Oval. I know I really shouldn’t give a toss about the Blast. I stopped attending pretty much soon after the COVID years. It’s still Surrey, wearing a Surrey top and none of this nonsense franchise business.

I really couldn’t be arsed logging down any of the scores. Spoiler alert: there wasn’t really anything worth shouting home about for Surrey. Not a single player stood out with either bat or ball. There was a very lacklustre batting performance, followed by a spell in the field when nothing really happened for the home team.

I’m not quite sure what to make of this Surrey white ball team. I’m not quite sure what to make of the Surrey red ball team right now either, to be honest.

We seem to be going for a mix of young academy talent with the old pros. I was a little cynical with the likes of Jason Roy, Laurie Evans and Reece Topley still hanging around, but apart from the last couple of games, they’ve held their own, so to speak, in the Blast.

It does seem a very one-dimensional team. I’m not saying the solution is a return for The Skipper opening with Sibley, but if we go deep in the competition and make it to finals day, then the scheduling with the ECB makes it unlikely that we’ll have any of the star name players available anyway. So why not just go with youth and build for the future?

What hurt a little more today was seeing Adam Hollioake as head coach for Kent. I can’t but help think this is a trial run ahead of hopefully taking over the top job at the Oval one day.

I felt a little sorry for the many families that were there. Sunday was deemed family day down at the Oval. It didn’t look like happy families, to be honest.

Will I ever make a return to the Blast? Unlikely. The prices and the piss poor performance have put me off. I’ve got another championship away day planned for next week. Let’s see if Surrey can try and salvage something from what has been a very average start to the season.