To the Oval! …on Wednesday morning it was a bit of a weird one catching my old work commute train. It was the same old familiar faces going in for the long slog. No ta, thank you very much.
Surrey had a home Metro Bank cup match against their traditional rivals Kent. I say traditional rivals, no one really gives a stuff about that apart from Kent. For us it’s all about the action over on the other side of the river.
Having said that, there was plenty at stake to play for in this game. Surrey are, for once, making something of a half-decent attempt to impress in the development competition. We’re probably just a couple of wins away from qualifying for the quarters.
The school holidays, the decent South London weather, and the meaningful fixture led to a very decent crowd. The queues were 20 deep just ahead of the start of play at 11:00 AM.
Also just ahead of the start of play at 11:00 AM was some bloody rain. Blimey. Fancy that. It didn’t last for long but it did delay the start by 10 minutes or so.
I took up my position on the piss in the Peter May. I used the spare time as an opportunity to have a look around the old ground. It was stuffed full of the shitty Hundred branding. It almost felt as though Surrey were squatting at a stupid franchise club.
There was plenty of lush green grass out there, however. It was rather pleasing seeing such a vast expanse of greenness in a summer where everything has been reduced to yellow stubble.
We opened the batting with the Vicar and Patel dominating in the early exchanges. SHOY OUT to the young kid wearing a traditional Surrey top and not some Mumbai Indians shit.
I had to take a second look as some fella rocked up to sit close beside me. I thought it was Gus Atkinson. He was on the piss, natch. A closer inspection and it revealed a younger Gus look-alike.
Kent were finding it tough out there with a ball. They turned early to spin with Matt Parkinson also failing to break through.
This was the signal for Patel to go on the charge. He delivered some glorious boundary shots. Sign him up for the Hundred! Ha bloody ha.
He pushed his luck a little too far however and was caught on 73. Sibley then reached his half century but was caught behind.
Up stepped the skipper to the crease. Rory was clearly on one. He’s had a very disappointing Championship season to date. This is a real chance to prove that he is still a leader and still a leading batsman. Talk of his demise had been exaggerated.
Having said that he too found himself back in the hutch after playing a cheap shot for 33.
You know what happens now in a Crap Match Report: the BOOZE kicks in and everything falls apart. True to form…
The beer situation was a little troubling; having transported six bottles of cheapo Lidl lager from the bloody Estuary Wilds all the way back down to South London, I was determined to neck them.
Chin chin.
I took one sip and felt something a little raw and chewy in my mouth. Surely this can’t be a hop?
I delicately put my finger over my mouth to see what it was. It was bird shit. Oh dear. Those bloody Oval pigeons had somehow managed to carry out something of a bird shit bombing mission right inside my pint of cheapo Lidl lager.
I did try and keep track as to who was coming and going at the crease for Surrey. Last man standing was Dan Worrall. “He can bat,” I told my cricketing partner. It turns out Dan Worrall can’t bat - or not today anyway. Surrey were all out for 286.
The interval came and went. Some more randoms started to rock up to sit around us, adding to the sizeable 7,000 or so crowd.
It looked like I had the ghost of George Michael sitting right in front of me. He certainly had the hair, albeit greying. The very tight white sports shorts and socks were also present. I didn’t have the courage to look down for the badminton shuttlecock.
I got a little tired and emotional at this stage. I dozed off. A blast from Lobby, sitting behind me in the Peter May, soon woke me up. It’s these reassuring old Surrey voices that hold it all together for me. I’ve had to endure almost three decades of Lobby banging on. We’ll miss him when he’s gone.
Kent really struggled. Surrey completely strangulated them with all aspects of their bowling. It was fitting that there was a stunning catch on the boundary to seal the win.
And so our march in the Metro Bank carries on. We may just qualify for the quarters. We may just even go all the way.
The crappy ECB scheduling however means that there is a five-week gap between the semi-final and the final.
Blame the Hundred, in fact blame the Hundred for absolutely fucking everything.
