To Wivenhoe Town Cricket Club! …shortly after lunch on Saturday afternoon. We had a couple of spare hours to take in some of the action as the first eleven welcomed a very strong Hadleigh team.

It looked bloody hard work out there on what was a rock-hard pitch. We arrived after 15 overs with Hadleigh batting on 61 for 2.

Wivenhoe were very chatty, which is always a good sign. No one likes to see their body language drop and all the banter dry out before you even had a chance to put up your reply.

The dryness of the outfield and wicket only highlighted the extent of the slope as you are bowling up towards the Allotment End. I’ve never really noticed this before.

Wivenhoe were once again fielding a very young first eleven team. This is promising for the future, although I’m not sure how one of the young fielders felt when he was positioned behind the rope and pretty much climbing a boundary tree.

Some speedy bowling followed from some more experienced heads down the slope. We took up our position on the boundary under a blanket as it was rather chilly.

The highlight of the afternoon for me was getting to throw back a ball which came rather close to disturbing our blanket cover. I misjudged my throw ever so slightly, with the ball bouncing pretty much in the face of one of the poor fielders. Sorry, fella.

Out in the middle and some more heroic fielding than mine took place by Wivenhoe as Hadleigh pressed on ahead of the drinks break.

After the 25-over mark Wivenhoe turned to spin, but it was still a very frustrating afternoon.

A half-century was soon knocked up by one of the Hadleigh batsmen. I had to make my excuses and leave with a combination of some afternoon work shifts and a Forest pre-season being streamed back at base.

I walked past the old rectory house on the way home. The parish barbecue was taking place. I thought momentarily about gatecrashing and making some inappropriate comments. Tuck in, etc.

A half-empty Trent Bridge for a major domestic quarter-final. The ECB really fucked up here.

It didn’t take a forward planning genius to work out even six months ago that Wednesday evening was a potential World Cup semi-final for England in the football. A 4:30 pm start for such a high-profile Blast match is crap.

Surrey travelled up to Trent Bridge for the latest instalment in what is becoming something of a recently developed rivalry. It is starting to heat up rather nicely.

Notts didn’t hang around as they opened the batting. Haynes was on a charge. He was helped by some comedy fielding overthrows, not once but twice, from the ‘rrey.

The consensus on the Notts YouTube channel seemed to be that 150 seemed par for this pitch. Runs were hard to come by but Notts were making a decent fist of it.

A breakthrough came for Surrey with CJ taking two wickets and setting himself up for a hat-trick. The second wicket in particular was pretty special, sending furniture all around.

Notts then got penalised for a run short. I wasn’t even aware that this was such a thing in cricket.

A particularly expensive final over from the not so death bowler TC didn’t exactly help Surrey.

A quick break and then up stepped J-Roy and Laurie Evans to try and get Surrey over the line. J-Roy in particular looked up for the challenge. He slogged Paterson White for 14 of his first over.

It was all going so well for Surrey with J-Roy reaching his half-century of only 32 balls. We were in control of the game and were leaning on our experience to get the job done.

It then got a little squeaky bum time as the run rate reduced. I was surprised to see Fernando bowl once again for Notts after looking like he had broken his finger in attempting a caught and bowled.

The boundaries dried up for Surrey. Hang on, we’re really up against it here. How the fuck did that happen?

A superb final over from Ollie Stone saw Notts over the line.

And so Surrey miss out yet again on the Blast. Hopefully this will finally put to bed all that mainstream media narrative of Surrey being the darlings of the T20. We were almost a quarter of a century ago but not a lot has happened since then.

Oh well. That will make for a stress-free Finals Day viewing on Saturday.

Some reflections on Surrey versus the Essex Slappers back down at the Oval on Sunday evening.

tl;dr that was shit.

With qualification already assured for the quarter finals of the Blast for Surrey, up for grabs this evening was a plum home tie in the last eight.

This is not to be sniffed at, not only in terms of the sporting advantage, but also what it means to the club when it comes to the BOOZE fest such an event brings to the bar.

Chin chin.

Essex meanwhile, also had plenty to play for - much more to play for. They needed a win to guarantee their progression. I think you know what’s coming, right?

The game itself also had some very odd scheduling. A 6:30 pm start on a Sunday evening in term time is just odd. There was absolutely no reason why it couldn’t have been brought forward, apart from the women’s game starting earlier in the afternoon.

‘cos that’s gonna bring in the punters to SE11, yeah?

True to form Surrey had labelled this Blast game the Sustainability match. I’m all for sustainability but I still see absolutely no reason why a bloody game of cricket in the Blast needs to be given such a tag.

Just to rub salt in your sustainable wounds, it wasn’t that sustainable for Surrey out in the middle. Evans, J-Roy and Philippe were all GAWN cheaply. It was left down to Dan Lawrence to try and salvage something against his old club.

In the end the inevitable Surrey collapse occurred. It’s always criminal not to bat out your 20 overs in a T20 competition.

The Oval crowd was very quiet. The highlight of the evening appeared to be the scrambling of towels in the home dressing room to block out the sun rays bouncing off the fancy new players’ balcony.

The changing rooms were refurbished last summer. They don’t seem that… sustainable.

The run chase set by Surrey was a stroll in the park for Essex. They won off a wide, which kinda summed up the whole evening.

An email lands from Wivenhoe Town FC. Yep it’s that time of year again: season ticket renewal.

If I was a Premier League season ticket holder, then opening an email with my new renewal price would be a task that would fill me with fear. Not so with Wivenhoe.

Oh look, prices have been frozen again for the third consecutive season. £80 for a full-on adult season ticket is a fantastic price in which to watch live football.

The quality of the product, as we must call it, that is on show at Broad Lane is not exactly Premier League standard; but just having a non-league team on your doorstep where you can watch football every other week is not to be sniffed at.

I’ve got plans for the season ahead. These are personal plans but hopefully they will stretch out wider into the community. Watching Wivenhoe last year was a pretty soul-destroying experience. The inevitable relegation was somehow reprieved. Something has to change.

I’ve long since thought that the Dragons may be in Wivenhoe, but they don’t feel part of Wivenhoe. This wasn’t always the case. Some kind of local sense of connection within the community has been lost. I want to take very, very small steps to try and rebuild this.

I’m going to go active online and do all the big-mouth shouting thing to try and get more people up at Broad Lane. I’m not talking the masses, perhaps just three or five extra people on the gate for the first home match.

If they enjoy it then perhaps they might bring along a friend for the next game. It’s here where hopefully we can start a snowball effect and try and get more locals through the gates once again.

I see so many football fans walking around the town wearing their Premier League and Championship tops. They can’t all be going off to London every other weekend or making the short journey to Ipswich. If you’re a football fan you just want to watch live football, right?

The optimism from last season was the small dedicated band of teenage ultras that appeared out of nowhere. They were bloody fantastic. They banged their drums from start to finish and made a right old bloody racket.

It’s this type of local enthusiasm I want to try and capture and hopefully make sure that the club doesn’t have another season like the one we have all just experienced.

Of course I could always freelance it and call in my old friend Wolfgang Moneypenny to help turn around a failing non-league club. The downside there, as Wolfgang knows only too well, is that one man’s personal crusade to create a footballing fiefdom somehow ends up as bloody gentrification.

I don’t think that’s going to happen at Wivenhoe Town to be honest.

To Wivenhoe Town Cricket Club! …on Sunday afternoon. This was the second time that the old ground had the pleasure of my company over the weekend.

The red carpet wasn’t quite rolled out for me. Instead I had to wait as a car was reversing around cow corner. That’s something you don’t often see happen at Lord’s.

Great Bentley had made the short journey to take on the Wivenhoe Sunday 11 this afternoon. It was a local derby with plenty at stake.

My fashionably late arrival meant that I rocked up with Wivenhoe on 133 for 2 in the 23rd over of a 40-over match.

Once again, Phew Wot a Scorcher, etc. It was a little too much for one of the umpires in the middle. He was applying the laws of the game out in the middle in his bare feet.

The first major action of the afternoon was a spectacular catch at mid-off by a Great Bentley player. The poor chap then had to leave the outfield to get some ice on his hand. He was replaced by a very young kid who came on as twelfth man.

I did take up a very ambitious position right in front of the pavilion with the Estuary Wilds sun up above. My balding head lasted less than five minutes before I had to head for the shade of a nearby tree.

Out in the middle it may have been a 40-over match, but some T20 theatrics were in place. A ramp shot was tried, a ramp shot was failed.

Great Bentley had a fantastic young female bowler. It was great to see her putting the male Wivenhoe batsmen through their paces.

A century soon came up for one of the Wivenhoe openers after a bit of a loose full toss. A late run push then followed as Wivenhoe attempted to make hay.

Mr Century then went a little bit too big and hit the ball sky-high. He was finally caught for a very impressive 106.

The run chase set by the home side for Great Bentley was 256. The away team came out after a short tea break and didn’t hang around. They tried their best to do some serious damage to the nearby allotments with the ball.

Sadly I had to disappear for some work commitments with the Great Bentley innings in full flow.

Another decent afternoon watching the Hoe.

To Wivenhoe Town Cricket Club! …on yet another heat wave of a Saturday afternoon. The First Team were at home welcoming the visitors from Bury St Edmunds.

For the neutral this seemed like an unfair contest. This was the Wivenhoe First Team up against the Bury Edmonds Second Team. Don’t be fooled by the semantics. Both teams were full of big hitters and this was a highly competitive contest played out on a dust bowl of a pitch.

I arrived fashionably late, natch, with Wivenhoe batting. They had raced to 266 for nought in the 27th over.

This was not an afternoon for falling around on a rock hard surface whilst out in the field. Instead the Bury captain had set up his field to try and take catches on the boundary. A couple were dropped in spectacular fashion.

Bury didn’t also hold back with their bowling rate. Wivenhoe managed to match this with a rapid run rate to keep the scoreboard ticking over.

This was a highly competitive game. Both teams had plenty of encouragement from their respective team mates and supporters back in the pavilion.

The Wivenhoe opener finally fell for a very tidy 99. Close but no cigar, fella, but well battered all the same.

It was also hard work watching. I managed to doze off in the afternoon heat. I was woken up when a ball cleared the ground.

A century soon followed for Wivenhoe’s second opener. Meanwhile down by the boundary fence and tops were left to hang out to dry on the makeshift washing line.

A massive six then followed for Wivenhoe that not only cleared the car park, but also pretty much the driveway leading on to the main road.

After their 50 overs Wivenhoe had racked up a highly impressive 297, which was a competitive score for Bury to try and chase down.

The restart after the tea interval was slightly delayed. Both umpires were having a crafty fag on the boundary.

Wivenhoe took an early wicket with a Bury opener falling for one. Thanks for coming, etc.

I think I succumbed to some mild heatstroke. I have a lack of details to follow. I did see a classy catch from the Wivenhoe keeper as he lunged forward to take yet another Bury wicket.

Allotment watering duties on the other side of the field beckoning for me. I had to depart early.

A quick online shifty back at base later in the evening revealed that Wivenhoe had won by only 11 runs. This is village cricket at its best.

And so on to Friday night in Canterbury and the oldest rivalry in world cricket. That’s a load of hairy old bollocks. Who really gives a stuff about Surrey vs Kent as being rivals? It’s all about the action with that other lot on the other side of the river, rather than the Country Bumpkins.

And so on to the penultimate game in the group stages of the Blast this year. There was plenty to play for. A win for Surrey would give us a plum home quarter final tie.

Surrey in the Blast can be hit and miss, home or away. The main concern here was the balance sheet and what wonders it would do for the club to have 15,000 or so pissheads in the old ground for another tie.

Meanwhile, this was a must-win game for Kent. All of a sudden that old rivalry bollocks looked a little bit more interesting as we had the chance to eliminate them from the Blast this season.

For some strange reason I decided to say sober. I found myself having logged very little detail in which to bash out a Crap Match Report. Maybe I should return to the booze more often when it comes to watching cricket.

Friday evening in Canterbury certainly looked like a booze evening. The atmosphere had something of an out-ground feel. I had never been to Canterbury. One of the main areas is simply a banking of grass. This seemed to be where all the Friday night booze action was taking place.

I really can’t be arsed to log all the finer details of the game. I did note down that E. Singh of Kent came out to bat looking like he had an absolutely massive arse - or perhaps it was just the padding on his backside?

Anyway, Singh went for a song, treading on his own wicket. Oh dear. I did note down at this stage that Kent were 75 for 5 on what the local YouTube commentators were calling a batting wicket.

That soon became 82 for 7. Kent were in all sorts of bother. Harry Finch was the last hope for the home side. He was comically run out.

Surely not even Surrey can fuck up a run chase of 102? This was a piss poor score in which to be set. There was no need to take risks.

J-Roy stepped up to the crease, playing a cautious game for the first few overs. He then thought, sod this, and TWATTED the ball around the ground to get Surrey comfortably over the line.

And so we’re all set for a home quarter final in the Blast, probably on Wednesday evening. It may clash when England possibly have a World Cup semi final taking place. This could mean an afternoon T20 game. The Oval may yet still be empty for that.

And so on to The Oval on a steaming hot South London evening as Surrey welcomed Sussex to SE11 for another game in the Hot and Giggle.

Actually that’s not quite true. There was no way I was going to sweat my arse off back down in Transpontonia with the temperature lingering close to 34 degrees at 7 pm. I think I had the better deal sitting on the settee with five cold beers in the fridge.

Chin chin.

After the debacle in the Blast away at Bristol last week, Surrey somehow still found themselves second in the group table, but with something of a rebuilding job needed to do to carry the T20 momentum forward.

he team news saw Jordan Clarke come in for young Majid. I felt sorry for the academy youngster. He’s done little wrong in his few appearances. It just seems that the current Surrey hierarchy doesn’t like spin.

The great tattooed warrior Clarke is a more than capable replacement, but you do feel that the longer the season goes on, both in white and red ball, then we need to rethink our spinning options.

Right on cue Clarke took the wicket of Hughes for 9. Well done you.

Come the end of the Sussex power play Surrey were in need of a breakthrough. The away team were getting away on 64 for one.

Up stepped CJ to do the business. Thomas then continued the acceleration for Sussex, hitting his half Century after 23 deliveries. The scoreboard pressure looked as intimidating as the sweat box that is The Oval.

Meanwhile, In Kit News: there was a slight variation on the dodgy kit we saw away in Bristol last week. Back then J-Roy had forgotten his own Surrey top and had to wear a kit with the legend of Dan Lawrence on the back.

The wardrobe malfunction for this evening was the Sussex player Thomas wearing a very crumpled top that he had clearly washed in too high a temperature.

J-Roy saw him off with a catch over on the boundary. That position is pretty much J-Roy’s own. I’ve seen him fielding there and playing to the old OCS stand throughout the past 15 years. We’ll miss him when he’s gone.

Elsewhere CJ looked angry in the field over something that was never quite explained. He did manage to channel this anger, taking the wicket of Coles, who was caught behind.

I felt sorry for young Tear on his Sussex debut but I didn’t shed any tears when the golden arm from Lawes saw him off for one. Price also followed for one with some CJ bowling, caught by Lawrence as Surrey started to take control.

Are you ready for the BOOZE blackout just yet? You know how these Crap Match Reports work.

I was relatively coherent to see the start of the Surrey innings. I could certainly decipher that Laurie Evans is well past his sell-by date, heading back to the hutch after only 10.

Cometh the hour, cometh the man. J-Roy stepped up with a fine 50. He was backed by the Aussie Philippe, who is making a rapid impression in his early T20 matches. He departed after making a cheap ramp shot, but his 31 kept the scoreboard ticking over.

A boundary from J-Roy brought up his hundred and was a fine way to win the game for Surrey.

I can’t stand all the franchise bollocks that comes with the modern game. But if we can keep J-Roy in this type of T20 peak performance for a couple more summers then he is free to go globe-trotting to earn his dosh.

A Likely Lads' score avoidance was achieved successfully on Monday morning. We were in bed by 10 pm the night before. Live the dream, Jase. Live the dream.

It was actually quite a revelation not being tied down to any digital or online nonsense. I didn’t touch my phone in over 12 hours. Even an early morning work shift was successfully navigated, in strictly sticking to the walled garden of the online work nonsense.

We watched the England versus Mexico match being played out on the BBC 2 7 a.m. repeat. I might have exclaimed “Yes!” once throughout the entire game. Sure, it was an enjoyable watch, but as ever I’m club over country every time.

The football was ticked off and a little early morning work was also done. Now time for a walk.

Having managed to avoid the football score, I did slightly less well in avoiding the heat. It was already 25 degrees plus out around the mean streets of CO7 at around 10 a.m.

Also putting in the steps was the Weird Wiv Walker. We exchanged a polite and almost non-existent hand wave. One day we will actually embrace, have a big sweaty man hug and celebrate the joys of Estuary Wilds walking together. But not this morning, Big Man.

The rest of the town was incredibly sleepy. People were either out at work or were still sleeping off the morning after the night before.

One old boy on a bicycle did come up from behind, so to speak. He was going at such a slow pace. I actually managed to outpace him walking along.

I headed down to the quayside. The Battle at the Bunting was in full swing. The Rowhedge and Wivenhoe Regattas may be in the distant past for another year. That doesn’t stop the bunting from being proudly displayed.

The dry dock was exceptionally dry. You don’t say.

A little further along the quayside, and the first full-on touring cyclist of the season slowly made his way past me. He was laden down with every conceivable part of his frame lumbered with cycling bags.

Chapeau etc.

A decent walk whilst I wait for the recent inking to heal. I was two minutes slower when compared to walking the same route a few weeks ago.

This was one of the worst Surrey performances in the Blast in recent years - and when I say recent years I of course mean the past 25 years.

We won the inaugural competition in the T20 and that has been pretty much it. Don’t believe the mainstream media narrative that Surrey are a team configured around winning the Blast.

It didn’t get off to a good start when J-Roy forgot to pack his kit. No shit. We’re talking a professional sportsmen here in J-Roy, a seasoned globe-trotting franchise player. Maybe that’s the reason why he left his Surrey top at home?

It was rather odd seeing two players take to the field at Gloucestershire, both wearing the legend that is Lawrence 28 on the back.

The Sky Sports telly folk ummed and ahed over what would be a par score for the wicket as Gloucestershire opened their innings. There was optimistic talk of 200 being set fair.

This completely skewed the debate around Surrey having an international franchise bowling attack that couldn’t take any wickets.

The interval came, the BOOZE started. Very, very shortly afterwards the inevitable Surrey collapse also showed its face.

Put simply this was a shocking, shocking performance from Surrey. It should be a wake-up call to all around the club that something is not right in SE11.

We saw this towards the tail end of last season in the Championship when we almost showed a lack of ambition to match a very decent Notts team. This tailing off of a curve has continued at some pace with red ball cricket for this season.

At least the Blast might be our saviour, right? Absolutely not.

There’s probably at least half a dozen franchise players in this Surrey Blast team that are two to three years past their sell-by date. There’s no progression or conveyor belt of players being promoted from underneath.

A major factor in this is the disdain in which Surrey have treated the Metro Bank comp. We’ve bedded in incredibly young talent but haven’t given them the support they need to make the leap up.

It’s impossible to criticise the Gaffer when it comes to all things Surrey. The Sky telly folk made such a point when they panned in on Alex Stewart looking down from the balcony at Gloucestershire.

If he hangs around for another season and oversees what looks like inevitable relegation from the Championship, paired with another piss-poor Blast performance, then his stellar reputation at the Oval will be trashed.

If only there was an opening at the ECB where Stewie could team up once again with the Two Dicks and try and turn around England’s fortunes…