To Wivenhoe Town Cricket Club! …mid-afternoon on Sunday.
For some reason the Wivenhoe Town Cricket Club website has stopped displaying future fixtures. But if it’s a Sunday then chances are there is a game taking down at Rectory Road.
We rocked up to find an empty wicket but the scoreboard showing 220. It was the interval in what looked like either a 30 or 35 over match. Players from both teams were already tucking in to the Sunday spread as we took up our boundary seats.
The outfield was looking much improved after a weekend of on-off rain showers. I wouldn’t say it was the lush green that we see back down in SE11; it was more weeds starting to poke through amongst the rock hard surface.
Speaking of rain - we sat down and then it started to piss it down for five minutes or so. The covers didn’t come on. The players did come out however, gave it a quick look and decided to carry on with the 2nd innings. This is village cricket after all.
I still had no idea who the chuff Wivenhoe were playing. This was a question which carried on all the way throughout the game, into the evening and even the following morning.
The away team however were keen to start their bowling comeback, leaning heavily on spin and pretty much every outfield player in the slips. Boundaries were there to be taken if Wivenhoe wanted them.
The first over was complete village comedy. It was absolute chaos out there with people running, diving and falling over.
Spin worked in the second over, with one of the Wivenhoe openers clean bowled for three. An early catch was then put down.
I was sent to the bar and missed the next wicket.
Every ball seemed to lead to some comedy action. Thank fuck for boxes as one poor fella at the wicket took an absolute belter in the balls. His team mates laughed from the sideline.
SHOUT OUT to the away team fielder in his bucket hat, who seemed to be vaping at silly mid on for the entire game.
It was at this stage that I dozed off. The sun was out once again and we had a half- decent place in a sun trap, looking out across the wicket.
Some wind then woke me up and I could see that Wivenhoe were on 94 for four. We decided to make a strategic move over to the scoreboard end. This offers some shelter from the wind.
The game from here onwards then got even more chaotic and incredibly confusing. It appeared as though Wivenhoe had a runner with another batsman standing at square, except he wasn’t running each time a run was taken. How very odd.
It turned out the runner was one of the umpires. He was all padded up and carrying a bat. I then clocked that this was some kind of rotation system where the runner/umpire was simply the next batsman coming in who was carrying out some umpire duties.
The main uncertainty for the afternoon then happened when Wivenhoe were most deff on seven wickets down. Another wicket fell and all of a sudden they were five down. What the chuff is all about? The space-time continuum was being ignored as Wivenhoe were actually travelling backwards with the scoreboard.
Up stepped another umpire/runner, this time carrying a beer. This, I think, was something of a theme for the afternoon. The vaping bucket hat dude kept on sparking up.
This was a truly bizarre game. The scoreboard said that Wivenhoe were around 50 runs short with one ball remaining. The batter at the crease slogged it and attempted a run. He fell over. I suspect alcohol was involved. Somehow the ball went all the way to the boundary.
The scoreboard then said Wivenhoe had won. We both scratched our heads, looked at each other, and concluded isn’t village cricket a truly wonderful and bonkers game?
